haerae: (private)
[personal profile] haerae
every day now, i go out of my way to stay out of the house, as late as i can, until it's time to go to bed.
or until i'm sure she'll be in her room.
for a few months, it got this way: me not wanting to cross her path. the awkwardness of running into her, of having to say something, even if it's just hello.

i'm convinced i'm going out of my mind.
i didn't know losing a close friend would mean i would lose myself too.
when did i let this imaginary nesha tell me lies about myself that grew my insecurities? why do i care so much how the real nesha thinks about me and my actions? why don't i want to disappoint her? why should i care? why should i care??

will this ever go away? even after i move out?
is it possible for God to heal me of this too?

this feels so bad. this feels so wrong.

this is not who i am.
and i know that.
i need to keep telling myself that. so that i don't forget that this is not who i am.
hey you, this is not who you are.
you will get past this. you will move on. it's in your Father's hands. He will not let you fall. He's there to pick you up. everything will make sense later. right now, just be in the now. don't worry about what's next.

just rest in His peace. it's going to be okay.

. . . thank you Jesus.

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haerae

July 2015

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