haerae: (private)
every day now, i go out of my way to stay out of the house, as late as i can, until it's time to go to bed.
or until i'm sure she'll be in her room.
for a few months, it got this way: me not wanting to cross her path. the awkwardness of running into her, of having to say something, even if it's just hello.

i'm convinced i'm going out of my mind.
i didn't know losing a close friend would mean i would lose myself too.
when did i let this imaginary nesha tell me lies about myself that grew my insecurities? why do i care so much how the real nesha thinks about me and my actions? why don't i want to disappoint her? why should i care? why should i care??

will this ever go away? even after i move out?
is it possible for God to heal me of this too?

this feels so bad. this feels so wrong.

this is not who i am.
and i know that.
i need to keep telling myself that. so that i don't forget that this is not who i am.
hey you, this is not who you are.
you will get past this. you will move on. it's in your Father's hands. He will not let you fall. He's there to pick you up. everything will make sense later. right now, just be in the now. don't worry about what's next.

just rest in His peace. it's going to be okay.

. . . thank you Jesus.
haerae: (keep yoez headz down)
I caught another cold. This usually doesn't happen to me so close to the other one I had back in November, even though the one in November was a weak one (Again, I rarely ever get sick). This one's a little stronger. It actually came with a fever, and I'm at work right now, shiverin my buns off. I'm a little warmer now cuz I put my jacket on, but yeah, I'm not looking forward to the walk home.

You know when you're not feeling well and you have a fever of any level and your skin's just sensitive? Like, you don't want your skin to rub up on the clothes you're wearing or anything? That's how I feel now. And my body's a little richetty. My head's swimming, and my voice is low. :P

Hehe, the one cool thing I like when I have a cold though is that while my voice is smoky from being sore, it makes me sing better. At least, that's what I think in the shower. I wish my singing voice was like this everyday! :D

I went to all my classes today except for Macroeconomics, my last class in the evening, overslept during my nap between classes and was late for the Psychology test. But overall, the day was better than I thought it would be. I thought I wouldn't want to get out of bed this morning, but after taking a shower, I was fine for most of the day though my face hurt --maybe sinuses?). Gwyn and I caught this thing together. She caught it first, then I picked it up just yesterday. keke.

I don't know how well I did on the test, but I'm not too worried. I've been doing good so far, gettin A's on my quizzes. One thing that surprised me though, was that even though I was 15 minutes late, literally rushed out of my apartment to get there, coming into a classroom to everyone stopping their tests to stare at me for a second, I had no anxiety. That's a first in a very long time! A couple years ago, I picked up this restlessness in organized crowded places. I didn't feel comfortable in the classroom or any other kinds of gatherings where you had to sit down and focus attention on an authority in front of you. Actually, the one thing I worried about on my first days of academic classes were that I may end up with a seat in the front, close to the front, or dead center, away from a door I can slip away to if I needed to.

Every day, at some point of the alotted time in the classroom (if I'm feeling uncomfortable, which is most of the time in these situations), I'd get so restless and anxious that it was hard to concentrate and I thought everyone was looking at me, that they thought I was crazy. It's far-fetched, but I've programmed myself to think this way for too long. Now I'm trying to program it back, but it's not gonna happen all at once. I'm not going to settle with saying that being around people makes me anxious. It's an easy excuse shy people can get away with, but it's not going to be me.

But anyway, yes, I was surprised. Maybe the fact that I just woke up, was a little hazy in the head, and I was too strung on being there in enough time for the test(that my professor hadn't kicked me out for being so late) to care. All the other times I've been put in pressing situations like that I've freaked out inside. But this time it didn't . So now I ask myself why can't I not care like I did today? Why don't I just tell myself my education's more important than how I'm looking in the classroom or anywhee else? I'm gonna practice that. I'm gonna focus on that and see what happens. :D (hmph!)

Rachel came over and picked Gwyn and I up to go out somewhere a few hours ago. We went to Amelie's and played card games and talked. It was very enjoyable! xD They dropped me off at the library when I had to go to work and hit the movies. They're seeing Tangled right now. I wanted to see that!;_;

After I got dropped off was when my body decided to be a meanie. So now I'm feeling like a grandpa all old and crippled in his rocking chair (envision this with me, folks) Oh, and I lost my key card again. lol I called Amelie's and they didn't see it, so maybe I left it back home. PPPPRRREAZZZZEEE BE BACK HOME!

<3

P.S. - The girl who works with me on my shifts always has her guy friend talking to her in deep convo across the desk for hours! He's alot like me in alot of ways. He thinks about relationships like me, actually wants a friend before a gf. I've been nosy with their convos, but they gladly let me in, so I've been talking with them, killing time.

At one point, my coworker left to get her things and he said the guy I checked out dvds to was flirting with me:

me: "lol, I know, but ermurgh (sideways glance) - I wasn't interested.
him: "probably wanted you to watch those movies with him."
me: "Yeah, no, not gonna happen keke"
*cackles together*
me: "Yeah, I'm kinda picky. My friends have started to say that about me."
him: "but that's good. You know what you want and you shouldn't settle for less"
*I nod nod nod*
him: "Don't let your friends say that about you because they've probably moved to fast with past relationships"
*screech* *clear throat*
me: "oh no, the friends I do have are very close to me, they know me. When they said I was picky, they meant it in a good way"
*then he nods, approves*
him: "oh ok, well then that's very good!"

:D
It was a really nice convo. I APPROVE OF GUYS LIKE THIS! But I'm not really attracted to this one. >.> I mean, we can totally talk in the future, and I say whatever happens (with any guy I talk to),happens. If it's meant to be, fine. But yeah, we just talked. :) And what I love most is that he wasn't flirting at all, just wanted to talk. I LOVE THAT.

So bai for now! A mission for a part time profession is underway for Gwyn and I tomorrow. WE WILL BOTH COME OUT OF IT IN TRIUMPH AND VICTORY!!!

lovebeans. I'm out. <3333333

OH YEAH. TVXQ's Keep Your Head Down. It was THA BOSS. BOSSIN IT UP AND SERVIN IT TO JYJ. Whatever the media says about it, I know it was for JYJ and I'm glad they did it. It'll hopefully knock some gay out of Yoochun and make me love him a little again. Or it'll just make him cower in a corner and a cling to Jaejoong wondering what trash they've made Kanye West rap to and why Homin came out singing like the gourmet biscuits they've always been while JYJ has two of the best singers and sound like a sad outdated can of Pilsbury dough.

Kay, now I'm really out. xD

- Raeven
haerae: (Default)
Keke, I'm gonna dump a HUGE POOP off my hustle and bustle tomorrow. It'll be epically overwhelming and hectic. You may not be able to handle it. It's just that crazeh. It'll explain my unorganized college schedule, friend DJURAMAH, and so much more jazz. I can't wait for this academic year to end, so I can go home and sleep normally and eat abundantly without having to worry about moneyz, and just hangin with friends. AND OF COURSE, SEE 2PM!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 I'm going to profess my love to Taecyeon, and we are going to be married. *nod* His heart will fall for mine. It's the truth. 

But then again, maybe I don't want to be married to a famous person. T.T But I do want to marry him, just not his fame. keke

OMO, F(X) IS MY SECRET LOVE. I love them. I love their personalities, their closeness, and their voices, and their dance skills, and their style. I just love them. Everything they release, I like, and that's pretty rare for me. I almost cried when their tracks were released on Youtube, and when I saw the teaser for their new mv. THEY'RE SO COOL! xD 

Of the VERY FEW girl groups that I tolerate, 2NE1 and f(x) are THE FAVES of mine. <3333 The ones I admire in some kind of way. They gots the style. They make good music, they have talent, and they have swag. 

Now, back to the unrelenting strain of my homework. Peace out, doods. I've missed LJ homework *kisses*. It's literally had me running to the library and kept me isolated in my room. 

Dumb Baking Science; insane Menu Planning; tedious Leadership; slow Sanitation. T____________________________T END NOWWWWWWW. 


be blessed. <3 

- Raeven 
haerae: (Minho's profile)
 So practical was today, and I didn't get a great final grade on it, because I forgot some paper thing for all the stuff I made, but I got a 97 on my paper. 


But even though I was confident on the written exam, I still got a 74 on it. pfft. And I got an awesome comment from Chef Pehoski (who sounds ALOT like Mr. Cieslak omg! Wait, is that how you spell his name?! I forgot already! Sometimes I almost think it's him whenever the chef speaks lol) 

He said my paper was excellent, that it was very thorough. The only reason I got a 97 was because I didn't put any pictures in the paper. The paper was about pies, by the way. lol 

Here's what me and my group's tartlettes look like together. We each had to make 6 by ourselves for the practical, and when it's graded, we pick the best ones to put on a marble slab and serve them to a classroom. 


Mine are the four on the far right. :D 

All of these are made from straight up scratch, all the way down to the whipped topping on the mini turtle pies. Everything had to be done in this one class, 6 hours (which flies by way too fast on practical day). 
But yeah, that's what I made. I didn't think I was going to finish everything, but miraculously, I did. I'm tellin' you, almost every day labs feels like those Food Network challenge episodes. A little of me enjoys working under pressure, cuz then I work faster, but communicating with people who get edgy and hostile when they're working under pressure isn't really pleasant. 


A possible-fight-very-heated-argument went down in my room just a half hour ago between Olivia and Cyril. Cyril has a very bad temper. He said he's had to work on it since he was young, and he's been excellent with keeping it in, because I totally didn't know how mad he could get until now. It was pretty scary, but I understand why he did it. Olivia's pretty stubborn, and Cyril's a natural hothead. Both from New York. Not a good mix. 

We were all enjoying Lion King when this all happened too. But it was built up from other things Olivia had supposedly been bothering Cyril with, so. . . But anyway, after Yazmin warded him off and Stephon took him out of the room, I left to go talk to them while Stephon talked some sense into Olivia. Now it's peaceful for tonight, and I respect Stephon even more for speaking so maturely to her. He really knows how to word things, something I've always wished I could do. It's rather charming. 

I bought Smallville Season 1 today! I bought it for $25 at a local cd store. I want to collect them all, so I can watch them again. It's always been my favorite series, and so many amazing memories came from it when Stasha and I were obsessed with it, so yeah. Thursday, I'm hostin a marathon for it. keke. It's gonna be awesome. Tom Welling looked his best on the earlier seasons because he was younger and less buff then. Now he looks all plain and mature. Just doesn't have the same effect on me. lol But man, I sure love me some Michael Rosenbaum! :D

I need to go to bed now. As soon as I get my laundry out. 

Peace! 

be blessed. <3 

- Raeven
haerae: (Not pleased Jonghyun)
 There's a time for noise and a time for migrating somewhere other than my room so I can do things I like to do alone (meaning just me and Olivia), like read and sleep. I can't do that when people are here distracting me from it. It's always awkward when people are in your room, where you live--the same place where your underwear is and ALL of your belongings. Usually, I don't have an issue with company, but when it's midnight on a weekday and you have to wake up at 6:00am to get up for class, when you don't want to get up period, it starts to get old. I haven't caught up on sleep yet, and I won't if this goes on. And it isn't like the crew's a quiet bunch. They're all loud. Except Ariel; she can tolerate silence, so she actually keeps it sometimes. I understand I have a group of rowdy, loud friends, but I'm not in the mood for it at this time of night. 

I needed to rant. The fact that Dana has to sleep through most of this every night shouldn't be fair, especially when it's late and the noise is still going. The walls are pretty thin here. But anyway, In conclusion, I'm not used to all this noise, and tonight, it's annoying me. 

Another note: I need to renew my fafsa, man!!! 

And I downloaded the first part of SBS's Gayo Daejun 2009, but it isn't HD enough(quite blurry to me actually). Does anyone remember where they DLed theres?!!!!! >.< 

ILU peeps! <3 

be blessed. 

- Raeven 
haerae: (Big bang stylez)
 I got one single hour of sleep on Monday, all because I stayed up talking with Olivia and Ariel's brother. He had to catch a flight in the morning, so he slept on our floor. Passed out at 4 something and got up at 6, so two hours. 

Last night, I slept for four hours, then took a 30 min nap after class before work-study. And I was planning to go to bed at 12 now, but we have company, so that probably won't happen. I wish I was able to not care who was in my room and sleep shamelessly, but it's harrrd! 

>.< Oh well. 

Peace out doods! <3 

be blessed. 

- Raeven

RAINY day

Nov. 11th, 2009 05:22 pm
haerae: (Jonghun loopy)
 As usual, I'm sitting around in work-study right now. hehe. I get paid tomorrow, thank God. I've been browsing around Yesstyle just now, and I've bookmarked a few more things I want. I've also been thinking about a gift for Gwyn's b-day. December's just around the corner and this time, I'm gonna be ready! xD

It rained all night last night, and I slept BEAUTIFULLY. Except for the last hour. I kept waking up after that for some reason. Ah well. . . 

Yesterday, I was going to talk about how rainy and cold it was, and how it took me forever to get warmed up. How I had to take Olivia to the epicentre to get a prescription filled at CVS (because she caught a cold a few days ago) and how I got lost as I roamed the streets to avoid paying for parking while waiting for her. *inhale* And how much I HATE the one-way  streets because it leads you more astray from the street you're trying to get back on. How I left the place in my flip flops because I really don't care about my feet, and how I got back with an empty tank of gas and only $13 on my card. How I wanted to go to Dairy Queen on such a day instead of getting gas because getting out of the car for gas sounded less appealing than getting out of the car to purchase ice cream. I'm so screwed up. keke. 

Well, I ended up getting the gas AND the ice cream. So I probably have like, $5 on my card right now. But only till tomorrow. Yay! 

I've been craving the Sims, lately. But every time I play it, it crashes on me mid-play. I think it's just a hack interfering. So I'm just going to have to delete the hack. pfft. 

One person in our three-person group missed class today, so the two of us had to do alot of chocolate tempering and re-scaling and jazz. It was a little stressful because we were falling behind, but Chef Gronert had mercy on us. I could tell. I think he's pretty cool. He's funny. Says we should be eating more chocolate daily. He actually questions why we haven't been eating from the chocolate racks all throughout class. He asks us this everyday! I can tell it bothers him. We laugh at him for saying it. 

He also tells us to talk to the chocolate, so it'll work for us better. To love it, yadda yadda. And when we laugh, he frowns and goes, "I'm serious. . ."  He's got a strong German accent, but not as strong as Chef Peemoeller's. He's always complimenting Europe's chocolate and bashing America's. But I can't blame him. And he HATES Hershey's. Since he talks alot anyway, once Hershey's in in the subject, he'll go on and on and on. -____- I fight to stay awake in his class. Same with the previous classes. I even had coffee this morning. Didn't help that much. Don't you hate it when you're still awake, but the minute you exhale, you start swaying? HEY! I THINK THAT MEANS I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY EYES OPEN THEN, RIGHT?! I always wondered what that was like. Well, if that's it, then I've been doing it everyday. I can't wait to go home, so I don't have to worry about waking up super early, and in a soft bed! *__* <--- see that face? That's a longing face right there. Actually, my bed's quite comfy, but I'm too restless at night to enjoy it most of the time. With school on the brain and such. 

I started watching Smallville again online. Started the day before yesterday. Oh, and it was GOOD. I looked at the fansites I used to obsess over, and it was so weird. I have no giddy excitement when I look at it anymore. It's such a good series, but it isn't my favorite thing. Not after kpop took over. It didn't stand a chance. lol 

Oh man, and I looked at Tom Welling, and I felt nothing. And it didn't even bother me. What a shame. I used to be so "in love" with him. It was definitely infatuation. Now I think he's to big and brawny. Not my type. Plus, I barely knew what his personality off camera was, unlike the kpop-stars, so that turned me off. 

Well, anyway, I'm in the middle of season six and there's 9 seasons now! It needs to end! I mean, where else can they take it? Lex Luthor's been out of the picture apparently since season 8 or something, and I thought he was a huge part of the story? I loved Michael Rosenbaum; his acting's the best! >.< I'm gonna watch it all. :D

I've felt unproductive lately, so I'm trying to get rid of some unhealthy habits. First, I've stopped drinking soda since Monday. I'm gonna see how far I go until I allow myself at least one or two sodas a month or something. I can do it. I gotta do something about all the sweets too. I try enough of it in class, and I'm always getting ice cream on random weekdays and weekends. And I'm gonna start picking days to go to the gym. 

I spend too much time on the computer. Way too much time. And I sit in front of it even when I don't know what to do with it. I just need to organize my time better. 

I
t took me this morning to finally figure out why it's been raining so much yesterday. Because of the tropical storm/hurricane! I didn't even ask anyone back home if the weather's atrocious over there! No tornadoes/pulled up roofs/power outages right?! Answer meh! 

I've gotta buy a new hoodie. A heavy-duty one. The two I have aren't cutting it. Not in this cold. haha. :3 

I'm gonna go play sims now. ;D

Peace! 

And be blessed. <3

- Raeven
haerae: (GD Frustration)
MY WHOLE LJ ENTRY WAS DELETED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spent FOREVER on this entry OMGIFWJAEE;JOFIJAWFOIJAW I was JUST ABOUT TO SEND IT TOO! LJ I'M GOING TO SHOOOT YOIU. 


Words can't explain how freaking MAD I am right now. It's not even funny. It's late, I need to go to bed, and I'd just finished typing the longest entry I've had for a very long time! GOSH!

I was going to rant on my day, and it was going to be detailed and everything. And it was all erased with one pressed of a key. FRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I'm going to bed. 


- Raeven

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